This complete guide to healing people pleasing covers all the well-known signs of being a people pleaser like putting other people's needs first and being a "yes" person, plus many other subtle signs that we tend to overlook.

In this article I'm laying out the 13 signs of people pleasers I've come across from myself and clients, plus some medicine for each one so we can begin to heal the people pleasing and step into our biggest baddest empowered self.

This is a deep dive article (hence the name "COMPLETE guide to healing people pleasing") so grab a cuppa and let's go!

1. You see yourself as a "good" person

Do you try your best to be nice to everyone? Are you helpful? Generous? Thoughtful? Kind?

Perhaps you also nurse a secret pride in being a "good person" and find yourself frustrated when others are, heaven forbid, "bad"?

This has been a great source of complaint for me throughout my life and I've often found myself lamenting how unfair it all was that bad people do bad things and get away with it while I was so GOOD and yet, the universe didn't seem to care.

My impossibly high standards meant everyone was always failing, ESPECIALLY myself, and how depressing is that for a worldview?

The Medicine:

Oh baby is it ever shadow work!

You've got to find the motivation behind the "goodness" first. Who is your inner "good girl/guy" and what does she desire? Validation? Special treatment? Safety?

Then you've got to flip that around and find your inner "bad girl/guy" and honour them too.

Usually when we have this kind of black and white thinking, there is one half of ourselves that is being rejected and suppressed. In this case it's the side of us that we deem "not good" with its icky undesirable traits like selfishness, greed and indifference.

Try and embody a tiny percentage of your inner bad girl/guy and see how it feels.

And know that, in the eyes of divine (according to the Bhagawad Gita amongst other sources) we are all the same, and even "bad people" can redeem themselves and be accepted into the arms of their maker. Surely that means you're doing ok!

2. Boundaries are HARD

Boundaries are a hot topic these days but us people pleasers still struggle to know what they really mean and how to apply them.

When I was a young codependent, I thought that boundaries were something you enforced onto the other person, e.g. "stop doing ABC or I'll XYZ". But this is not a boundary at all, it's an ultimatum, and it didn't help that I rarely followed through on it.

Actually, boundaries are an agreement you have with yourself.

They are "if he/she does ABC again I'll XYZ".

"ABC" could be drinking too much, talking too much, asking too much. The main focus is the "too much" part and us people pleasers have a habit of just enduring it. No more!

The action you take (XYZ) could be to politely excuse yourself, say no, walk away, limit interaction with that person or leave the relationship.

Boundaries help to protect us and our energy. To me, they are the highest form of self-respect.

Medicine:

Start by setting boundaries with yourself first. Stick to your plans and goals, keep your promises to yourself, even if they're as simple as "I'll give myself an evening off".

Become the boundary loving badass you know you're meant to be and watch people start to treat you differently. Self-respect is literally magic.

3. Saying "no" is HARD

Have you seen that Jim Carrey movie where he has to say YES to everyone for a whole year? Poor guy, right? Little did the directors know that's our LIFE.

Being a people pleaser means we often say "yes" or "sure" or "no problem" when we actually mean "no", "I can't" and "that is actually a great big problem for me".

We have this inbuilt fear of disappointing the other person or being seen as "mean" (literal kryptonite for a people pleaser) which no doubt stemmed from childhood.

I've had times where I've said yes to jobs, invites, holidays, outings, even DATES that I wasn't able to manage, couldn't really afford, or just plain didn't want to do, and the worst thing is, the "yes" used to just POP out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think!

Medicine:

Instead of the tried and tested route of saying yes then cancelling last minute (and being called "flaky" for the rest of your life) or going anyway and feeling resentful, practice saying "can I let you know later?" when someone asks you something.

Give yourself time to actually ask: do I really want to do this? Then act accordingly.

4. Other people's needs are MOST important

One of the ways this used to show up in my life was when I was busy in some task and someone would speak to me, message me or call and I would DROP EVERYTHING and instantly become available to them.

It didn't matter what I was doing. I could be working on deactivating a nuclear bomb and if someone so much as asked me the time I'd drop it like it was hot, to quote Snoop Dog.

The sneaky belief beneath this was that my needs weren't as important as everyone else's, and it prevented me from ever really committing to myself or my goals.

In fact, subconsciously, I felt a bit of a shadowy relief about it, as now I could sink into sweet self-sacrifice and not ever have to admit that it was my responsibility to take care of myself.

The Medicine:

Magical and unashamed self-care.

That's right. Bubble baths and champagne. Afternoon naps and walks in the woods. Eating lunch on time and using the bathroom when we need it. Sweet sweet indulgence!

5. You feel responsible for other people's feelings

Let's say you've managed to say "no" because you have an opposing need (congratulations you badass), but the other person is upset. Now what?

As a people pleaser, it used to be an all-consuming and fetid GUILT.

I would lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and ruminating on how I'd hurt someone's feelings or made a mistake or said no or set a boundary.

This made me a HOTSPOT for toxic personalities, narcissists and manipulators who sensed my people-pleasing "good"ness and toyed with my emotions to their own end.

FYI this is another example of poor boundaries, but of the energetic kind. The boundary between "me" and "the other" is murky and porous. We've run with the idea of other people's feelings being our responsibility and at this point we're actually FEELING them too.

The Medicine:

As a super empathic sponge who does divination and coaching for a living I have had to find techniques to shake off other people's energy FAST. My favourite one is taking a shower, followed by incensing myself.

After that, I'd step into my "bad girl/guy" shadow self we talked about earlier and practice being indifferent. It takes time but it's an important skill to have as a people pleaser.

6. The word "should" is high up in your vocab

"I SHOULD have done that earlier", "I SHOULD have said this", "he SHOULD have done that for me" "SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD". If this sounds like your inner voice, you're probably a people pleasing perfectionist. Congrats! Not.

These two character traits go hand in hand and are a fast track to anxiety. I know, I've been down that road. People pleasing and perfectionism come from a crippling desire for harmony, security, predictability and, while understandable, are utterly pointless.

Life is not predictable. We will never ever EVER become perfect, and trying is just making us sick.

Medicine:

BE MESSY! Throw the rulebook out the window, heck, set it on fire if you want to!

Do things spontaneously. Take risks. Replace the word "should!" with "could?" and see your mindset switch from controlling to curious.

7. You sometimes feel resentful or frustrated but pretend you're fine

That bulging vein in your forehead knows what I'm talking about.

The times when I've ignored my needs, said yes to everyone and not received what I deserved despite my honourable "goodness" are the times when my inner Gollum is released.

"Not fair! Not fair!" I hiss and curse. I look for someone or something to blame. Sometimes it's God Herself – "how dare you not take care of me" I cry. These tantrums are not pretty.

Yet if someone were to ask me how I was, or god forbid, offer help, I’d muster up a smile and say "don't worry. I'm fine".

It got so bad that my best friend knew that if I even UTTERED the words "don't worry" or "I'm fine" then I was in grave trouble and required instant assistance. True love that is.

Medicine:

You know what? I'm not going to tell you to change this. I get it. I really do.

Being a people pleaser SUCKS. It is major self-abandonment, and I found that the person I was really frustrated with during these meltdowns, was myself.

Instead of beating yourself up even more, try forgiving yourself instead.

Offer yourself love and approval and understanding. Talk to yourself like a small child or a puppy. You've spent enough time blaming and pushing and sacrificing yourself. It's time to heal.

8. Decisions are HARD

Oh the HOURS I have wasted in my life trying to make a decision. There's probably days' worth of trying to choose something to watch on Netflix alone.

In my bid to always make the RIGHT decision and enjoy the PERFECT outcome (but what if this movie turns out to be just average?!), I lost time, missed out on opportunities and annoyed everyone (including myself) to no end.

It was made EVEN WORSE if there was someone else involved in the outcome of this decision. God forbid they would frown upon my decision. How mortifying!

I eventually found it much easier to just let the other person choose. I was the epitome of "I don't mind, what do you want to do?" and again, ended up being surrounded by controlling people who LOVED to make all the decisions for us.

Medicine:

I'm technically still working on this one and currently using a pendulum to make all my difficult decisions. Yes. That's right. I wave a crystal around and ask divine to make the decision FOR ME. Then trust Her judgement. Sounds mad but it works for me.

What might work for you though, is to remember that any road will lead you forward. NOT making a decision is still a decision, and usually a poor one at that. Just choose already.

9. You say "sorry" or "thank you" wayyyy too much

I am British AND a people pleaser so the words "sorry" and "thank you" used to come up about 36,754 times a day. I could hear myself doing it but I couldn't stop.

Restaurants were the worst. The waiter brings the menu, "thank you". The waiter takes the order, "thank you". The waiter brings some water, "ohh thank you". The waiter brings the food, "wow! Thank you!".

I ALWAYS said "sorry!" if I bumped into an inanimate object and I once said "thank you" to an ATM. I know right, sickening.

Living in Asia, where culturally you almost never say these things, I've gradually lessened my amount of niceties, but sometimes I still feel that twang of guilt if I miss a "thank you" where there definitely should have been one. Alas, no one has died of it yet.

Of course, these are mostly cultural examples (in certain parts of England if you don't say thank you to the bus driver you WILL be glared at by all passengers), but there is a huge people pleasing element to it too.

In the restaurant case, I always felt bad for being the receiver not the giver. Saying "sorry" always seemed to soften the directness of a request. And in the case of the ATM, well, I can't really say with that one.

Medicine:

The point is, there are plenty of people out there who almost NEVER say "thank you" OR "sorry" (oh the horror!) and they get along fine. In fact, they might even get along better.

I was once told that English people saying "thank you" all the time is actually annoying! So let that one be your medicine for now, cos the last thing we want is to be a burden. Am I right?!

10. You overexplain yourself

This is a complicated one and for me was actually a trauma response (although pretty much all of these points can be attributed to some type of trauma).

If you've ever been gaslit, you'll know that afterwards there is often an unbearable urge to be understood. But since the other person is deliberately (whether consciously or unconsciously) trying their best to make sure they do NOT understand you, it turns into a lengthy yet urgent song and dance about what actually happened.

Gaslighting is when someone denies something you know to be true in order to confuse you and defend themselves. They might say "I never said that" or try to convince you that you’re "too sensitive" to shift blame after hurting your feelings.

Eventually, I found that I was over explaining with everyone, not just people who were gaslighting me. It had become a habit, and a really draining one at that.

Medicine:

Honestly, therapy is hugely helpful for this, and meditation too. When you can catch yourself in the swing of over explaining you can pull it back, but it takes a lot of self-awareness to get to that point.

You have to shift your mindset towards not caring if you are understood or not. If you are misrepresented then who cares! This comes when you start to nurture your OWN view of yourself as the most important one.

11. You're always seeking ways to prove yourself

At work, in relationships, at the supermarket, wherever you are, if there's an opportunity to prove how "good" you are, you'll take it.

If you've seen the comedy sitcom "Brooklyn Nine Nine" (highly recommended if you haven't) the character of Amy is your classic people pleaser, always trying to prove to everyone (especially her boss) how hardworking, smart, generous and capable she is.

What's funny about this is that the character is obviously a parody. It's a comedy show. But the writers have seriously got my number. It's so realistic that I've cringe-laughed while watching and given a side-eye glance to my partner to see if he's noticed that, I too, have gone to similarly ridiculous lengths to get people to approve of me.

Medicine:

Approve of your own damn self!

If you're anything like me, and Amy from Brooklyn Nine Nine, you're probably a high achiever, you probably do tons for other people, and are a smart and likeable individual. Congrats! For real! Whether or not someone sees that is not your concern.

For every person who disapproves, there will be a hundred who think you rock.

12. You like to feel needed

Uh oh! This one got me into some deep water with codependency.

I spent many years surrounded by addicts and overgrown children until I realised that… dun dun DUN. I LIKED IT that they needed me.

More than that, I felt safe knowing that they needed me, because if they needed me, they wouldn't leave me. I know right, what a sad state of affairs!

This mindset took me through some dark times and I'm glad to say I do not feel this way anymore, in fact, I developed a healthy abhorrence of feeling needed (I don't have children yet, don't panic).

Someday I'm sure the pendulum will swing back to the middle on this one, but until then, I'm a cat person, not a dog person.

Medicine:

Get a dog.

13. You are simultaneously afraid of being manipulated AND a bit of a manipulator

Oof. I went there. Hear me out.

We people pleasers are afraid of other people's opinions of us. We're afraid that people won’t like us. We're afraid they'll judge us. We're afraid they'll leave us. We want to be approved of. We want to be liked. We want to be needed.

And that leads us to behave in manipulative ways.

When we change our needs, opinions, personality for our own gain, we are manipulating. When we say YES then feel resentful and don't do the thing we didn't want to do in the first place, that's passive aggression, and, you guessed it, manipulation.

At some point in our lives we have had to get our needs met in these indirect ways. It wasn't safe or acceptable to get them met in direct ways.

But that led us to hanging around other indirect people who weren't so "good" and we became afraid of directness AND indirectnesss. At this point, not having needs at all seemed like the best option.

The Medicine:

Be really brutally honest with yourself about your true intentions in all moments, hard as that is. Are you really being "nice" or do you want something? Are you truly "helping" or is there an unmet need there? No shame.

Practice being direct in situations that have a low risk factor.

Tell your partner what you really want for lunch instead of hinting. Choose the movie you first thought about instead of "letting" the other person choose then complaining when it's not what you also wanted.

The End!

Congrats you completed the biggest guide to healing people pleasing out there! There's no prize since I don't like to enable the over-achievers amongst you, but give yourself a big hearty pat on the back for participation – that's about the best medicine there is!

This seems like a lot to work on, I know, I have been there. But the smallest step to quit people pleasing is actually a giant leap towards authenticity.

Start doing what you feel comfortable with. Take it day by day. Hire someone with experience in these traits to help you (like me?).

Whatever you do, be kind to yourself. These traits are ultimately healed with a lot of patience, honesty and love. If you can forgive yourself, the rest will be a lot easier.

Love + Magic,

Ellie xoxo